I’ve been in Thailand for over 3 months and spent about a month in Lao….sy.

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I like Thailand.

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It’s crazy as a shit house rat and can be dangerous when walking down the sidewalk due to the fact that Thai people drive their scooters anywhere regardless of common sense or traffic rules.

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Thailand is fun. It’s cheap. It’s wild. It’s a great place for old men to find sex for hire. Especially old men who have deep pockets and not much else going for them.  It’s a beautiful country full of people from various areas of Asia who came to Thailand and enjoy the experience of screwing Farangs….figuratively and literally. Farangs are basically westerners. We make Thailand go boom boom.

Thais are very kind and affectionate folks….especially if they see a buck in it somewhere.

They are world class nose pickers and will happily root around in their nostrils, examine their findings, and play with the results as if they have a handful of silly putty. They don’t let where they are, who is around, or what they are actively engaged in doing slow them down in booger mining any more than they will cover their mouths or turn their heads when they sneeze or cough. You gotta love folks who are so closely in tune with their tree hugging, banana munching forebearers.

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The activity must have something going for it because I saw the female half of a very attractive French couple doing it on board a river taxi the other day and she was good at the examination part of the excavation process and made quite a show of her findings.

Another thing Thais are talented at is driving as if their vehicles are penises and they are about to orgasm. Talk about having a testosterone overload !

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Sure is a scenic country. LOL.

Thai food is very imaginative. I mean…imagine…using a big portion of noodles or rice to provide the bulk part of the meal, add some sugar for energy and throw in any friggin’ thing that you could get to give it color and taste….heart, lung, colon, lips, ears, nose, and the more acceptable parts…of basically anything you could catch, raise or run down. Leave off salt & pepper but add vinegar and chilies, and fish sauce and ketchup and sweet & sour and creamed boogers and then throw in some steamed kale or bamboo shoots or cucumber, etc. and wash it down with a quart of beverage and eat it with chopsticks or a ladle or your hands and blow your nose a lot during dinner and now you have Thai cuisine.

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It’s a healthy approach to garbage disposal.

I walked a lot today.

I rode the bus to Chinatown for free and saw lots of lady boys walking arm in arm with cute girls under the sIMG_7452igns for shark fin soup.

You could tell which ones the lady boys were because they were way more effeminate than the women and were constantly smoothing their dresses or adjusting their bras or batting their eyes and they had wider shoulders and bigger Adam’s apples and looked at you as if they wanted to invite you over for drinks…..?

There were shops selling all kinds of things like bear gall bladder and ivory carvings and powdered rhino horn and items that let you know why species are endangered. I think we could make a fortune selling circumcision snippets in Asia as magical amulets that will turn lady boys into great marriage material for heterosexual males..  Hmmm!

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Today was also my first Thai encounter with alley ways and doorways jammed with street hookers. Some had stools and chairs to sit on and boobs hanging out and their skirts hiked up and they said “Sawadee Ca “or “Hey, baby” or “How are you?” and licked their lips and dollar signs rolled in their eye sockets and sexually transmitted diseases curled at their feet and purred. Others wore shorts and looked like regular girls and stood in the street watching for potentials.

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There were bums asleep on the streets and food stalls in alleys and on the sidewalks and people eating and shopping and…whatever.

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There were mechanics eating their lunch on the floor of the shops they work in and a grouchy old lady ran me out of her store because she had just mopped and I wasn’t buying anything so why was I walking on her clean floors?

That’s when the title to this post came into my head because this is what Sodom and Gomorrah must have been like and the lady boys are the Sodomites who ride around town holding onto their asses with both hands so they don’t get bucked off. The hookers are the Gonor…Gomorrians and MY butt got scared thinking about it and started braying insults that sounded like the brass section in a swing band and my eyes were working overtime avoiding lonely streets and my little friend put on his turtleneck and the dish  ran away with the spoon and the three blind mice had head lice so  I left the area and went back to where an encounter didn’t require shots and all was right with the world.

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I kept running into this bi-racial couple who reminded me that times have changed and Caucasian dudes are all up into Brown Sugar and her big booty homeys and Lilly White and her sorority sisters are hunting Alabama blacksnakes under the sheets regardless of what her clan ( ?) thinks about it. The pasty face ladies realize that not only do the brothers come packin’ ponies but they dress better and drive flashier rides. Asia is full of bi-racial couples and lots of old white dudes like me bring their wrinkled birthday suits over here and invest in a young bed warmer with ginger breath and an amber tint. And that’s my social  comment for the day.

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I saw a hostel with lots of Farangs hanging out and schmoozing each other.  I don’t know why. Must be cultural self flagellation.

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Anyhow, after about 4 run ins I think the nice looking salt and pepper shakers thought I was a perv with a camera and took a side street cause I never saw them again.

Speaking of side streets…I started into one but an inner voice said “Go back round eye. You won’t enjoy this” and so I quickly exited and went elsewhere.

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I wandered into about 30 jewelry manufacturers and wholesalers on a street that must have had 500 stores in a 2 mile stretch and you ladies would have gone nuts. Hell…I went nuts !

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 I went into a 6 story jewelry market and looked into every store in it, flirted with the salesgirls, chatted with some owners and then hit the street shops again ! I met this cool young couple from California and she’s a redheaded chef and her name is Amy and he’s an architect …Jeff ?…anyway they were nice kids. I found a 1.73 carat  Sri Lankan sapphire for $75 in a gem store but don’t want to give up the cash right now even though it’s worth about $150 wholesale and $300 retail.

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IMG_7457I had lunch in a place called Texas Suki  and ate roast duck  on a bed of greens with enough rice to feed China for a week and chili imbued soy sauce and green tea and it was…Thai and I was still hungry.

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The waitress stood 5-10 feet away from me and watched me eat and wandered around and kept hovering nearby and it gave me indigestion and it was $200 baht or $6.

I wound up having a big grin over a group of semi-nude sculptures and have posted the photos here in case any of you art lovers want me to handle getting them shipped to you at a $30 per discount if you buy them all. That means they’ll cost you 5500 hundred baht each plus shipping. I love them ! They all have great boobs and are totally speechless !

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There is much to see in Bangkok and much to do and much to buy or rent or use and you could live here for years and never see it all unless you had a driver and lots of money…and I don’t.

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I finally caught a bus back to my guesthouse after walking about 4.5 miles and wearing out my sore foot. I sat out front and drank a beer and watched the passersby until I got bored and my nose got jealous because I refused to join in the festivities and so I decided to write this.

More to come on another day.

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I’ve been a bit remiss posting to GNA. Since I last posted, I moved to Tha Ton…Thaton…either is acceptable...and refused the house I thought I would rent due to general condition of the property.

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I did rent a small efficiency at Areeya Phuree, a run down but pleasant old resort on the riverfront. It is run by Ai with the help of Mem…his mother and some staff who seems to come and go as they please and kinda keep things going. I paid 6000 baht a month which comes to about $180 US as a longstay rent but short stay is whatever you can get them to agree to and seldom more than 300 baht a night which is about all this old place is worth. They moved me to a bungalow after about a week and the price stayed the IMG 5264 1024x768same.

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 I spent the next month riding Scoot over the mountains and through the hill tribe villages, as far  south as Fang and then northwest and circling back to Mae Ai and Thaton.

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The countryside is lovely and there is much to see and do. There are many Wats (temples) and hill tribes and, of course, the river.

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I made a friend who lives at Ban Mae Mok Cham and went to visit him several times. He’s an Aussie and a good guy and has a lovely home. There was also a little place where I could stop and have soup and watch the river go by.

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I spent a month in Thaton and developed an affection for several people there including a gorgeous Shan lady by the name of Khum who is a friend, married to a Canadian ….and a beautiful Chinese woman, Lin Na, who lives west of Fang where she runs her mother’s store. I smiled a lot when in the company of either of these two lovelies.

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Lin I would ask Lin to marry me but since I don’t speak Chinese and she doesn’t speak English….and since we’ve only had one date….and since I’m old….and poor….and bald…and she’s 45 and lovely and not desperate….why get all excited over nothin? LOL Anyhow...

There was a fellow by the name of  Eric I liked and rode with several times and one of my buddies from Chiangrai is also named Eric and another great Scooter companion along with Captain Bill.

I tried the food at many places in the area and found a couple of spots I liked a lot including Sunshine Cafe in Thaton.

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Mae Ai is only about 7km from Thaton and has a lot more to offer and Fang is 22km and truly worth the visit to shop or get a haircut or buy clothes. There is a bypass around Fang which has one traffic light and if you turn right (going south) and then bear left when the road forks (away from the hot springs) you will wind first through some villages and residential areas and then come to citrus farms and then on to a beautiful ride in a big loop over the mountains and back to Mae Ai. There is a lovely orange plantation and gardens with a restaurant back in the mountains. It’s easy to find. Just ask for the Orange Palace.

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I dropped Scoot off in Chiangrai then took the riverboat back to Thaton, picked up my luggage and took the boat back to Chiangrai, where I stayed a couple of days, before boarding a minivan for the border crossing into Laos which I’ll cover in the next post.

I met many nice people along the way and made some friends…like John in Chiangrai who saved my bacon when my legs acted up. I had the opportunity to say goodbye to them and I will truly miss them. We had dinner and a few beers before I left and I was sad to take my leave but such is life. Making friends and saying goodbye seems to have become my calling card.

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Guess that’s it for this one.

Left the pavement today and rode up toward Mae Yao which is a tampon of Chiang Rai consisting of 18 villages.

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I’ve been curious about this stretch for some time and it is lovely.

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Riding out Honglee Road to the new bridge, cross the river turn left and ride until you need to turn around.

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A word of caution….when the pavement ends….it gets rough.

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It’s worth it. The countryside is beautiful.

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Rice lands interspersed with mountains , streams and the river give such variety to your gaze.

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Every direction you look presents you with vistas of complexity and interest.

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I rode into an area where I became nervous over the terrain, distance from town, and lateness of the day. There I turned and retraced my tracks but was thrilled with what I had seen.

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Sometimes life is so beautiful that there are no words to express the joy of just being involved.

I left my present residence in Chiangrai and climbing aboard Scoot ….the Honda 125 cc motor scooter I’m renting by the month….. headed north toward Mae Sai.

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I rode along 1…the super highway..with cars and trucks whizzing by in the normal Thai rush to get somewhere fast regardless of who dies in the process.

At the juncture of 1089 I turned west toward Pa Tueng and …finally able to breath easier, enjoyed the beautiful country rolling past.

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The river drifted in and out of view on my left and once I detoured at a sign that pointed toward a waterfall and rode for about 5 kilometers, finally coming to the entrance leading to the falls but dismounted and took photos of the stream after deciding to leave viewing the falls for another day. I did see two beautiful young women aboard their own scooters who, with gorgeous smiles, offered me directions and kind words.

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I rode, stopping at one point to photograph locals reaching into holes underwater on the river bank and catching fish. Nearby others were building a new structure that appeared to be a shrine.

The road began to climb, steeply at times, and I stopped and bought a soft drink and asked for time and distance references.

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The mountain portion of 1089 between the highway 1 intersection and Tha Ton finally topped out at about 2700 feet and the views are lovely.

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I rolled into Tha Ton district around 1pm but was still about 45 minutes from Tha Ton itself. There is much to see along the road and several villages offering the weary a nice respite and refreshments.

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Tha Ton lies between Mai Ai and Mae Chan and is a quaint feeling town divided by the Mae Kok river which is spanned by a large traffic bridge at this point. There are boat trips to Chiangrai for 350 Baht each way ($20 roundtrip) and takes 4-5 hours depending on current and going upstream or down.

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I stayed at the Garden House bungalows and dealt with Kae (Kay) at the desk. She speaks ok English and is very pleasant. Her in-laws own the place. Price for a bungalow for 1 night was $500 baht ($16) and it had TV and a/c. Internet was available either in the office lobby or at the onsite restaurant.

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I rented a house while I was there which I will occupy on November 22 and had a great meal at a riverside restaurant for $5.25 beer included.

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The next morning I went into town for breakfast (American…two eggs (your way) ham, bacon, or sausage, two pieces of toast with butter & marmalade, coffee and orange juice..120 baht or $4. Better value to be found.

Leaving town shortly after breakfast, I stopped for an iced coffee.

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Then I turned off 1089 up into the mountains on the road that goes to Wa Wi. The following is an excerpt from the Thai tourism site.

“Wawi Mountain is a community of Chinese people. Soldiers of The Republic of China’s 93rd Army Division immigrated here about 50 years and worked as agriculturists. They grew tea and fruit among the quiet and serene atmosphere of the Mae Salong community. Though the village is small, tourists can easily sense the simplicity of Chinese community as the same as in the southern part of China. Outside of the village lies a tea plantation that stunningly decorates the view. Near Wawi Mountain, there is a viewpoint for seeing mountain mist above Kat Phi Mountain where is the newest attraction of Mae Suai District. When you are at the 1500-meter high cliff, you can experience the dense fog with the spectacular complexity of Chang mountain. Kat Phi Mountain is about 20 kilometers from Wawi Mountain. The way there is quite rough passing Aka and Yao villages.

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The other attraction is Chang Mountain. Here is a high level agricultural research station and hill tribe people. There are various winter fruits available there such as chestnut, Chinese plum, Chinese peach, and plum. What’s more, you must try the delicious fresh roasted Arabica coffee.”  I was appropriately impressed. 

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The vistas as the road climbs to around 3500 feet are breathtaking and there are hill tribe villages and highway workers scattered along the route. There are large tea and coffee plantations and much to oooh and aah at.

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The highway is paved but there are several stretches where pot holes are the rule and care must be taken. The road eventually becomes very well maintained again as it descends from the mountains and joins the major highway 1018 south of Chiangrai, about 40 kilometers. This is a wandering route through the mountains and about 1 1/2 – 2 hours longer than the way I went to Tha Ton but…it is beautiful and I recommend it for those who are sight-seeing and have an adventurous spirit.

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My new friend Bill, who is Canadian, and I went on another scooter ride today. These are the photos and some commentary. Many fatalities occur on scooters every year in this country. The driving in general…Sucks! If you come here and rent a bike, be very careful.

This is on the road to the Buddha Cave.

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Here are some new houses being built and I like them.

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Arrived at Buddha Cave Temple.

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This is a really cool temple on the banks of the Mae Kok river across the river from Chiang Rai Beach.

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 I could have spent more time here and will definitely return.

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Cleaning day at the temple.

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That’s Chiang Rai Beach across the river.

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A little hazy but the countryside was lovely.

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Temples everywhere you look.

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And …..elephants…..carrying tourists?

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And really cool houses!

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 And pretty plots. With ponds.

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