I’ve been in Thailand for over 3 months and spent about a month in Lao….sy.

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I like Thailand.

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It’s crazy as a shit house rat and can be dangerous when walking down the sidewalk due to the fact that Thai people drive their scooters anywhere regardless of common sense or traffic rules.

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Thailand is fun. It’s cheap. It’s wild. It’s a great place for old men to find sex for hire. Especially old men who have deep pockets and not much else going for them.  It’s a beautiful country full of people from various areas of Asia who came to Thailand and enjoy the experience of screwing Farangs….figuratively and literally. Farangs are basically westerners. We make Thailand go boom boom.

Thais are very kind and affectionate folks….especially if they see a buck in it somewhere.

They are world class nose pickers and will happily root around in their nostrils, examine their findings, and play with the results as if they have a handful of silly putty. They don’t let where they are, who is around, or what they are actively engaged in doing slow them down in booger mining any more than they will cover their mouths or turn their heads when they sneeze or cough. You gotta love folks who are so closely in tune with their tree hugging, banana munching forebearers.

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The activity must have something going for it because I saw the female half of a very attractive French couple doing it on board a river taxi the other day and she was good at the examination part of the excavation process and made quite a show of her findings.

Another thing Thais are talented at is driving as if their vehicles are penises and they are about to orgasm. Talk about having a testosterone overload !

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Sure is a scenic country. LOL.

Thai food is very imaginative. I mean…imagine…using a big portion of noodles or rice to provide the bulk part of the meal, add some sugar for energy and throw in any friggin’ thing that you could get to give it color and taste….heart, lung, colon, lips, ears, nose, and the more acceptable parts…of basically anything you could catch, raise or run down. Leave off salt & pepper but add vinegar and chilies, and fish sauce and ketchup and sweet & sour and creamed boogers and then throw in some steamed kale or bamboo shoots or cucumber, etc. and wash it down with a quart of beverage and eat it with chopsticks or a ladle or your hands and blow your nose a lot during dinner and now you have Thai cuisine.

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It’s a healthy approach to garbage disposal.

I walked a lot today.

I rode the bus to Chinatown for free and saw lots of lady boys walking arm in arm with cute girls under the sIMG_7452igns for shark fin soup.

You could tell which ones the lady boys were because they were way more effeminate than the women and were constantly smoothing their dresses or adjusting their bras or batting their eyes and they had wider shoulders and bigger Adam’s apples and looked at you as if they wanted to invite you over for drinks…..?

There were shops selling all kinds of things like bear gall bladder and ivory carvings and powdered rhino horn and items that let you know why species are endangered. I think we could make a fortune selling circumcision snippets in Asia as magical amulets that will turn lady boys into great marriage material for heterosexual males..  Hmmm!

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Today was also my first Thai encounter with alley ways and doorways jammed with street hookers. Some had stools and chairs to sit on and boobs hanging out and their skirts hiked up and they said “Sawadee Ca “or “Hey, baby” or “How are you?” and licked their lips and dollar signs rolled in their eye sockets and sexually transmitted diseases curled at their feet and purred. Others wore shorts and looked like regular girls and stood in the street watching for potentials.

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There were bums asleep on the streets and food stalls in alleys and on the sidewalks and people eating and shopping and…whatever.

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There were mechanics eating their lunch on the floor of the shops they work in and a grouchy old lady ran me out of her store because she had just mopped and I wasn’t buying anything so why was I walking on her clean floors?

That’s when the title to this post came into my head because this is what Sodom and Gomorrah must have been like and the lady boys are the Sodomites who ride around town holding onto their asses with both hands so they don’t get bucked off. The hookers are the Gonor…Gomorrians and MY butt got scared thinking about it and started braying insults that sounded like the brass section in a swing band and my eyes were working overtime avoiding lonely streets and my little friend put on his turtleneck and the dish  ran away with the spoon and the three blind mice had head lice so  I left the area and went back to where an encounter didn’t require shots and all was right with the world.

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I kept running into this bi-racial couple who reminded me that times have changed and Caucasian dudes are all up into Brown Sugar and her big booty homeys and Lilly White and her sorority sisters are hunting Alabama blacksnakes under the sheets regardless of what her clan ( ?) thinks about it. The pasty face ladies realize that not only do the brothers come packin’ ponies but they dress better and drive flashier rides. Asia is full of bi-racial couples and lots of old white dudes like me bring their wrinkled birthday suits over here and invest in a young bed warmer with ginger breath and an amber tint. And that’s my social  comment for the day.

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I saw a hostel with lots of Farangs hanging out and schmoozing each other.  I don’t know why. Must be cultural self flagellation.

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Anyhow, after about 4 run ins I think the nice looking salt and pepper shakers thought I was a perv with a camera and took a side street cause I never saw them again.

Speaking of side streets…I started into one but an inner voice said “Go back round eye. You won’t enjoy this” and so I quickly exited and went elsewhere.

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I wandered into about 30 jewelry manufacturers and wholesalers on a street that must have had 500 stores in a 2 mile stretch and you ladies would have gone nuts. Hell…I went nuts !

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 I went into a 6 story jewelry market and looked into every store in it, flirted with the salesgirls, chatted with some owners and then hit the street shops again ! I met this cool young couple from California and she’s a redheaded chef and her name is Amy and he’s an architect …Jeff ?…anyway they were nice kids. I found a 1.73 carat  Sri Lankan sapphire for $75 in a gem store but don’t want to give up the cash right now even though it’s worth about $150 wholesale and $300 retail.

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IMG_7457I had lunch in a place called Texas Suki  and ate roast duck  on a bed of greens with enough rice to feed China for a week and chili imbued soy sauce and green tea and it was…Thai and I was still hungry.

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The waitress stood 5-10 feet away from me and watched me eat and wandered around and kept hovering nearby and it gave me indigestion and it was $200 baht or $6.

I wound up having a big grin over a group of semi-nude sculptures and have posted the photos here in case any of you art lovers want me to handle getting them shipped to you at a $30 per discount if you buy them all. That means they’ll cost you 5500 hundred baht each plus shipping. I love them ! They all have great boobs and are totally speechless !

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There is much to see in Bangkok and much to do and much to buy or rent or use and you could live here for years and never see it all unless you had a driver and lots of money…and I don’t.

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I finally caught a bus back to my guesthouse after walking about 4.5 miles and wearing out my sore foot. I sat out front and drank a beer and watched the passersby until I got bored and my nose got jealous because I refused to join in the festivities and so I decided to write this.

More to come on another day.